Tag Archives: thyroid cyst

Perfection Paralysis

Cancer, Mitotane, My Novel- Alex, My Novel- Anne, Writing, Writing Group July 27, 2013 Leave a comment

I woke up this morning dreaming about Anne. Just like most dreams, two hours later I have no idea what it was about. But I see it as a good sign—I am immersing myself in Anne’s life, which can only help me with my novel.

In reality, I don’t need more plot ideas or character background. I have all of that. What I am lacking is the motivation to sit down and write. “Seat of the pants to the seat of the chair.” Steve threatened this morning to make me stay at Joy’s cabin until I finish the novel. He will come and visit me but I won’t be allowed to leave!

As though in 39 years of marriage he has ever been able to “make” me do something. He asked how close to completion is the novel? 90%? I must have really fooled him about the progress I have been making on the book. I only wish I were at 90%…or even 50%.

My excuse when I was working was that I didn’t have time to write. So what’s my excuse now that I am retired? It’s the same one that has always been the source of my procrastination—perfection paralysis.

When I was working on my Alex novel, I wrote a diary that was not going to be part of the book. Its purpose was to provide backstory, to help me understand how Alex got to where she is. The patient members of my writing group were the only intended audience so (no offense) I wasn’t plagued by the need for perfection. The ideas flowed. I looked forward to writing at the end of my work day.

Now I don’t work. And yet I don’t write any more than I did when I had a job—maybe less. Time to fix that. For, unlike Mick Jagger who just turned 70, I don’t have a career spanning 50 years to look forward to. How fair is it that someone who has lived his lifestyle is now 70 and healthy, (even the epitome of “70 is the new 50”) when I, with my (almost) squeaky clean life, am diagnosed with adrenal cancer at 57?

There is good news along the way. According to an ultrasound last week, I have a “good-looking” thyroid. And the cyst on it is just a cyst. Nothing to worry about—50% of people have them. I’ve also dropped my mitotane consumption (once again) from 5 to 4 pills a day in an effort to lessen the side effects.

With the good comes the bad. Next week I visit the dermatologist because of a suspicious mole or two. Wouldn’t be much of a concern if not for the two melanomas I had removed back in 2002. The appointment with the dermatology surgeon for the following week is already scheduled. Hoping that it needs to be cancelled…..

What a difference a day makes

Cancer July 19, 2013 Comments: 2

But does it? Yesterday was supposed to be my routine three-month scan at DHMC. Confirmation that I am one of the 20-30% of ACC patients who respond to mitotane. Whose cancer is kept from recurring by enduring the side effects of a DDT derivative.

We were disappointed that the CT scan report was not available by the time we met with my oncologist but we were pleased that he was able to bring up the scans on his computer.

We weren’t so pleased when he pointed out the arrow the radiologist had inserted next to the cyst on my thyroid. A new cyst? No, he was able to show us that it was on the April CT scan. It just happens that July is when the new batch of residents arrive with a fresh perspective on old problems.

The issue is that neither of us remembered hearing about a cyst on my thyroid. (And when I got home and reviewed the prior CT scan reports I found no mention of a cyst there either.) My oncologist “reassured” us that people have thyroid cancer and die of other causes without ever knowing they had it.

Somehow that was not reassuring. Seems as though that is what we’ve read about ACC. But it’s not my situation.

And the lesion on the liver. Another shocker. I can’t seem to find that in the prior CT scans but daughter Joy thinks that has been there right along.

The scan should have been read by today. My oncologist goes on a two week vacation next week. (My cancer has been a series of timing issues.) Luckily I see my endocrinologist next week. She should be able to address the thyroid cyst. She will address it.

And then there’s the atypical mole on my back, circled in black marker by my oncologist. It might not be so bad if I hadn’t already had two melanomas removed (11 years ago).

Am I worried? Not really. I know liver issues can be addressed in many ways. I probably won’t die from thyroid cancer. The mole, if a melanoma, most likely will be Stage 1 and require no further treatment other than removal.

I am disappointed. We had already decided that we were not going to overreact if anything new came out of the CT scan. Take our time and weigh our options. But deep down I was confident that there would be nothing new. And now there’s a thyroid cyst. And a liver lesion. Supposedly these aren’t new. Except they feel new.

So is today really any different than yesterday?

This morning I started a gentle yoga class. Not looking for a physical experience. Looking for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. And the courage to change those I can.

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